The winner awarded emotion for this week is Mister Guilt. I don’t know if to call it winner awarded and to invite him to walk on the red carpet or to call it The Energy Theft, to convict him, make profile photos and throw him in prison…
I guess, I want to get free from him so the best is to give him the rewards for our long friendship, to be grateful he finally went out from the shadow so I could better see his face and to walk my way witouth his close company from now on.
Only this week, I became aware of how big waste of energy guilt can trigger, while I was rehearsing for a concert. Although I prepared my scores before, I knew I was far away from doing my best when I showed up to the rehearsal. Once arrived, I panicked. From the first notes to be played, instead of focusing on what I had to do, I was bumping on myself and expressing out loud how sorry I feel for the situation, thinking that I can at least show I am a responsable person because I feel guilty. When your self estime is low, guilt is such a poor substitute for it!!
I was so lucky, the rehearsal was only with Dominica, such a spirited, high awarned and inspiring mastermind partner, who followed MKE several years as a member and as a guide. She showed me how far I am to be ready witouth stepping for a second (rather witouth a word or a gesture) on me. She also made me aware about how the guilt was playing big, creating even more damages than fixing the ones already done. The rehearsal was wasted to cheap for the benefits I could have taken if I would have been prepared. Instead the lesson was gained. Mister Guilt was catched up in the spotlight and I placed him under close observation since. Didn’t kick him out of my “house” but we are renegociating our relationship. Like any other emotion I experienced so far, this one too is there to tell me something about myself, to clear up a bit more the dusty mirror.
In fact, guilt is an emotion rooted deeply in our DNA system. We all have it and carry it since centuries. The whole Western culture is founded upon an Abrahamic ethic of fear and punishment: you either have been born with the original sin, either you will make something wrong in this life that will deny your place into the next life. Anyway, it doesn’t necessary have something to do with religion nowadays. It is rather an effect of acculturation, it is generally spread.
Eventhough it may act like a compass for morality, giving it to much space and energy on your emotions scale, keeps you away from the present moment and makes you act out of borrowed beliefs. Because guilt is an attachment to other people emotions and thoughts. And such an attachment rather than making us more responsible and accountable to our thoughts, feelings and actions, makes us less authentics. Clearing away the veil of guilt allows us to be more connected to what it is that we are experiencing, our thoughts and our actions in light of that experience and, thus, to be more present with our experience, our emotions and ourselves.
My challenge now is to make from the guilt I experience, an authentic one, a real internal compass. To transform it into a feeling meant to tell me if I am out of alignment with my true self, with my own integrity. If Mister Guilt is in my house to signal that maybe I am not living up to my own expectations and true essence, then he may have a little room (under the stairs or at the mezamin.)